Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
The Menu Has Changed
8 December, 2008
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Seth Freeman wrote this; it arrived without copyright data, and- well - you've heard something like it before.
PLEASE listen carefully as this menu has changed.
For English press or say ?One.? Para espanol oprima o diga ?Dos.? For all other languages press or say ?Three.?
One.
Thank you for your interest in our service. If this is a true spiritual
emergency, please hang up and dial the number on the upper left-hand corner
of the mailing label of your last solicitation. Otherwise, please stay on the
line and your prayers will be answered in the order in which they were
received.
All right, let?s get started. For prayers of repentance press or say ?Two.?
For prayers of supplication press or say ?Three.?For prayers of forgiveness
press or say ?Four.?For prayers of serenity press or say ?Five.?For all
other prayers press or say ?Six.?
I guess...Er...Supplic three. Three. [3]
I think you said, ?Two.?Is this correct?
No.
I think you said, ?No.?Is this correct?
Yes.
O.K., let?s try that again. For prayers of repentance press or say ?Two.?For
prayers of supplication press or say ?Three.?For prayers
Three.
of forgiveness
Three! [3] [3]
say ?Four.?For prayers of serenity press or say ?Five.?For all other
prayers press or say ?Six.?
Three.
I think you said, ?Three.?Is this correct?
Yes. Correct. Yes.
All right, let me see if I can help you. Please say the category for which you
are supplicating. For example, if you are praying for help with a personal
life problem, say ?Problem.?If you are praying for a material object like a
new Lexus, say ?Car.?
Uh.
I?m sorry. I didn't understand your answer. Please repeat your answer slowly
and clearly.
It?s hard to describe. Things no longer make ... sense ...
I think you said, ?Vengeance.?Is this correct?
No.
Good, because Vengeance is mine. Please repeat your answer slowly and clearly.
Prob. Lem.
I think you said, ?Problem.?Is this correct?
Yes. Correct.
Thank you. Let me connect you to that department.
[Hold music: Pachelbel, ?Canon in D? tenor sax version (Kenny G)]
Please stay on the line. Your prayer is important to us. Your wait time is
approximately seven minutes.
[Hold music]
We?re sorry you are still on hold. We appreciate your patience and look
forward to being of service.
[Hold music]
Thank you for holding. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please state the
problem for which you would like help. For example, if you would like help
healing someone who is sick, you could say, ?Illness.?If you would like help
in making a woman who barely knows that you exist become interested in you
romantically, you could say, ?Wingman.?
No more menus.
I'm sorry. I didn't understand your answer. Please state the problem for which
you would like help.
I want help without having to go through six levels of options.
I think you said you would like help with sexual dysfunction. Is this correct?
No.
I think you said, ?No.?Is this correct?
Yes.
O.K, please restate your problem. Speak slowly and clearly
I?m sick of these menus.
I think you said you would like help curing a sickness. Is this correct?
No, no, these menus are driving me crazy.
I think you said you would like help dealing with a mental illness. Is this correct?
No. No, no!
I?m having difficulty understanding the problem for which you are seeking help. Please state your problem slowly and clearly.
My problem is ... I ... forgot why I called.
I think you said you no longer recall your problem. Is this correct?
I guess. I don?t know. Yes.
Excellent. We are pleased to have been of service. How else can we provide you
with a wonderful day?
******
Jim W. comes up with the Latest news from the CDC
In the interest of public health please read further.....
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload
Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of
your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT
TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come
into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
******
Joyce sent these - the type of thing that e-mail is so good at
transmitting. But this would have to go as an attachment, which is
taboo for "Compendia." So picture with me each of the headlines
(and comments) below as though they were in newspaper or magazine fonts:
ALTON ATTORNEY ACCIDENTALLY SUES SELF.
(What goes around, comes around.)
COUNTY TO PAY $250,000 TO ADVERTISE LACK OF FUNDS.
(Yep, that's our tax dollars at work.)
VOLUNTEERS SEARCH FOR OLD CIVIL WAR PLANES
(Civil War Planes? Lemme know how that works out.)
ARMY VEHICLE DISAPPEARS - An Australian Army Vehicle worth
$74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
(And you wonder why.)
CASKETS FOUND AS WORKERS DEMOLISH MAUSOLEUM
(We had no idea anyone was buried there.)
UTAH POISON CONTROL CENTER REMINDS EVERYONE NOT TO TAKE POISON
(And here I was, sitting with rat poison, thinking it was tasty.)
FEDERAL AGENTS RAID GUN SHOP, FIND WEAPONS - Store Owner Arrested Previously
(What are the odds of that?)
STATISTICS SHOW TEEN PREGNANCY DROPS OFF SIGNIFICANTLY AFTER AGE 25
(Duh, Yeah)
ONE-ARM MAN APPLAUDS THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.
(and he did this how?)
******
Jim W. notes that these comments were made in the Year 1955! - That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.'
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ...'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
******
<>br>-30-