Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Cussing
10 November, 2008
Roberta explains, "When to start Cussing.... "
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know
what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with ass.'"
The 4 year old agrees, with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what
he wants for breakfast, he replies, "'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let
you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers,"but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!'"
******
Darwin tells us about the Cardiologist's Funeral.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge
heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
turned to him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...............I'm a gynecologist.'
That's when the proctologist fainted..
******
I don't exactly believe this story from Maryse, but that doesn't
keep it from being humourous. After all, Maryse is from France,
and what do the French know about maps of the U.S.?
A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little
girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like.
Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the
map of the country. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby and
said, 'Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This
will show you our whole country today.'
After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map, correctly
fitted and taped together. The father was surprised and asked how she had
finished so quickly.
'Oh,' she said, 'on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When
I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together.'
******
With elections coming up soon in the U.S.A., Bern's remarks are timely to many of us:
Politicians.
A corrupt politician is nothing new,
In my long life I have seen quite a few.
Many have nothing when starting their career,
In fact some are lucky if they can afford a beer.
As the days and months go passing along,
They learn the ways to make them strong.
Then the old adage again becomes true.
We can watch them as their riches they accrue.
Soon they are living off of the fat of the land.
Lead a life of opulence that is most grand.
Promises are made to one and all,
They do not keep them as I recall.
Soon they belong to the upper class,
Live in mansions made of glass.
Have no more time for the voting Nations,
Many and varied the great temptations.
Sadly a corrupt politician is nothing new,
In my long life I have seen quite a few.
******
Bonnie tells about a cowboy from Wyoming rode into town and
stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always
had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He
went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it
above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling..
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have
another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I
finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Dakota! And I don't like to have to do
what I dun in Dakota "
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word,
had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the
post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner,
Before you go... what happened in Dakota?"
The cowboy from Montana turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
******
Maryse has some sound logic regarding dogs:
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
Dogs love their friends& bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are
incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise .
-Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's
almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
and then give him only two of them.
??????? -Phil Pastoret
******
...and then, there's Old Blue. Maryse tells the story:
A young farm lad from Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his
parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is
coming up with. Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that
will teach our dog Old Blue how to talk!"
That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"
Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the
course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through
the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
So how's Old Blue doing, son," his father asks.
Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this - they've had such good results with this program that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Old Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Old Blue was in the living room kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives in town?' "
The father says, "I hope you shot that son of a Gun before he talks to your
mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a lawyer.
******
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