Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
UPS Airlines
29 August, 2008
Maryse tells about UPS Airlines, which, by the way, is the only major airline thathas never, ever, had an accident.
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our
jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe
sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
And the best one for last
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
******
Maryse recapitulates:
*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent
ice cream drips.
*Maxine's Way"
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the
couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake
mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in
a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
'fix-me-up.'
If you over salt a dish while you are
cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's
motto: 'I made it, you will eat it, and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it
will keep for weeks.
Celery? Never heard of it!
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield
a beautiful glossy finish.
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg white
over the crust, so I don't.
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! 'All' your pains go away.
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!
******
Susann knows: Where Is Jesus?
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
******
Here's Sami's advice on how to interpret personal ads:
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish....................49Adventurer............Slept with all your friends
Athletic..................No tits
Average looking.....Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile....Does a lot of Ecstasy
Emotionally Secure..Medicated
Feminist.................Fat ballbuster
Free spirit...............Junkie
Friendship first.......Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun....................... Annoying
Gentle....................Comatose
Good Listener........Borderline Autistic
New-Age................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned.........Lights out, missionary position only, no BJ's
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing.................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............Sloppy drunk
Poet....................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............Certified Bitch
Redhead.................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque..........Grossly Fat
Romantic................Looks better by candle light
Social.....................Been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous.............Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height..Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate................... Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............Old bat
MEN'S ADS
40-ish....................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic..................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.....Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated...............Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit..............Banging your sister
Friendship first.......As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.........Arrogant
Very good looking..Dumb as a board
Honest...................Pathological Liar
Huggable...............Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle.......Insecure mama's boy
Mature...................Older than your father
Open-minded.........Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's
Not interested
Physically fit...........Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive.........Gay
Spiritual..................Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable....................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful.............Says "Excuse me" when he farts
******
Bonnie's story: DOWN AT THE STATION
One year, a traveling ballet troupe decided to perform Swan Lake. It spent months rehearsing. Two days before hitting the road, it held a dress rehearsal. Unfortunately, moths had gotten into the tutus. They were destroyed. And there was no place in town to buy new ones. So the producer called around to neighboring cities. Eventually, a shop promised to deliver tutus by train the next day. The producer went to the train station to await delivery. The stationmaster noticed him and asked if he needed help. "No," he replied. "I'm just waiting for the tutu train."
******
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