Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
The Duck and the Grapes?
27 August, 2008
Maryse has a story about the duck and the grapes:
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you
have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you
have any grapes?"
The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and
asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have
any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes,
I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you
have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No,"
and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?
******
Nic says that his happened about a month ago near a little town in Mexico,
and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale it's real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and
in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by, the
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he
saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. Without thinking about it the
guy got in the car closed the door and suddenly realized there's nobody
behind the wheel. The car started moving slowly, the guy looked at the road
ahead and saw a curve coming his way. Scared he started to pray begging for
his life. He hasn't come out of shock when, just before he hits the curve, a
hand appeared through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed in
terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they were before a curve.
Eventually he gathered enough courage, jumped out of the car and ran to the
nearest town. Wet and in shock he went into a cantina and asked for two
shots of tequila, and told everybody about the religious experience he went
through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying
and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to
the other. "Look Pepe, that's the idiot that got in the car when we were
pushing it."
******
Bobbie, where did this list of top 10 country songs come from?
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body, But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long ...!
******
Another fish story from Steve R.
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far.
Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.
Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
******
Susann tells this story about a Dead Donkey & Big Business:
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died. I'll give you your hundred dollars back."
Kenny replied, "I don't want the money back. I want the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny. "What happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
******
Bonnie relates that in a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin.
The Baptist Preacher spoke first and said "At conception, of course!".
The Presbyterian Minister said "No, no, it's certainly begins at birth".
The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month".
They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home, and the dog they left behind dies!!!".
******
Bonnie sends this a warning that warning that it is a groaner:
MACE THE DOG: (Groaner Alert!)
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of himself, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
Remember, you were warned!
He proclaimed: ' A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!
******
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