Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Toilet Cleaning Instructions
23 March, 2008
Murray lends us these Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of
pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry
him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close both lids. You may need to stand on
the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet,
the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This
provides a "power-wash" and rinse.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the
bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak
through the bathroom, and run outside where
he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be
sparkling clean.
******
Bonnie writes about a Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."
The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. "Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep Running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out....."Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
******
Bonnie remembers when a truck flipped over on the highway, spilling a load of tacks. The driver got out and tried to warn other motorists. But soon there were cars with flat tires all over the highway. Before long, the police arrived. Just then, a woman pulled up. "What's going on?" she asked a police officer.
"We're trying to find someone to pick up all these tacks," he answered.
"Well," the woman replied, "why don't you just call the tacks collector?"
******
Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first
glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as
successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, she
found her husband dressing.
She said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Jack said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that
I'm a golf fiend. I play golf every day, I enter every tournament. I am
afraid that you will rarely see me."
Jessica nodded and said, "Well, that's all right. After all, we married so
rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that I'm a hooker."
Jack said, "Oh sweetheart that's nothing - don't worry about that for a minute! It's easily corrected by holding the golf club like this..."
******
Murray tells about a Canadian customer who was calling to
find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands
than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many
of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger
the Select All command...
Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?
Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.
Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.
Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?
Caller: Yes, I sure do.
Agent: OK, now press Control-A.
Caller: I am, but nothing happens.
Agent: The text isn't highlighted?
Caller: No, there's no change at all.
Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A, the whole
document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press
Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm
pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?
******
Sami tells us about her Granddaughter
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always
made a special effort with his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old
granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really
didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the
rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see
her grandfather.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We
didn't see a Single dumb bastard or lousy shit head the whole
time we were out!"
******
Sami remembers that when she was a baby, someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of her favorite toys. Her daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, her Mom came home. Her Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "just the cutest thing!"
Her Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet???"
******
Naomi and Nicole brought us these:
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "that is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
--and--
The three-year old son of a nurse scraped his knee at pre-school and ran to tell his teacher. "Look, Miss Cindy!"
"Oh, you have a boo-boo."
"No, Miss Cindy, I have an abrasion."
******
Susann has found these Signs That Things are Weird
- In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"
- On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."
- In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."
- Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
- On a North Carolina highway: "EAT -- 300 FEET"
- On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."
- In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."
- In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
- In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."
- In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."
- In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."
- In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."
- On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."
******
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