Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Speeding Ticket
9 March, 2008
Sami asks if we can top this for a speeding ticket
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement
on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the
officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles
approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300
miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not
reset, and then it turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in
fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying
exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to
the USMC Base Commander The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had
detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar
equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why
it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had
also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation
for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status, and
was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was
launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since
the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the
officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear
molar. It appears the filling is loose.
Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
******
Sami brings us what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Iowa:
If politicians gather at the small town cafe to squeeze another vote, you live
in Iowa.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in
Iowa.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work
there, you live in Iowa.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Iowa.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
wrong number, you live in Iowa.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of DES MOINES for the weekend, you
live in Iowa.
If you measure distance in squares of farm land, you live in Iowa.
If you know several people who have hit a cow more than once, you live in
Iowa.
If you have gone from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you
live in Iowa.
If you can drive 70 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
without flinching, you live in Iowa.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
unlocked, you live in Iowa.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
you live in Iowa.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live
in Iowa.
If the I-80 speed limit is 70 mph -- you're going 90 and everybody is
passing you, you live in Iowa.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow, you live in Iowa.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction, you live in Iowa.
If you have more hours on your lawn mower, and snow blower than miles on
your car, you live in Iowa.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in Iowa.
If you understand these jokes, you live in Iowa, or have lived in Iowa.
******
Bonnie tells about a Department of Water representative who stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."
The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. "Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep Running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out....."Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
******
Bonnie's story is about a WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
******
Bonnie's next story is about an old, blind cowboy who wanders
into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"
Thebar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that
you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
******
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