Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Two Love Poems
23 February, 2008
Murray offers two Love Poems:
WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar
on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
******
Bunny tells us that a son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
******
Susann tells about a man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them herself.
******
Susann reports about this Church Feud:
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir
Director of the Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the
Pastor preached on 'Dedicating Yourselves to Service'
and the Choir Director chose to sing: 'I Shall Not Be
Moved'.
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor
put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he
preached on 'Giving.' Afterwards, the choir squirmed
as the director led them in the hymn: 'Jesus Paid It
All'.
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday
morning attendance swelled as the tension between the
two built.
A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his
sermon on 'The Sin of Gossiping.' Would you believe
the Choir Director selected the song: 'I Love To Tell
The Story'?
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the
Pastor told the congregation that unless something
changed, he was considering resignation. The entire
church gasped when the Choir Director led them in:
'Why Not Tonight'?
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor
resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led
him there and Jesus was leading him away.
The Choir Director could not resist: 'What A Friend We
Have In Jesus.'
******
Bobbie comments that with all the new technology regarding fertility recently,
A 65-year-old friend of hers was able to give birth.
When the mother was discharged from the hospital and went home, she went
to visit. "May I see the new baby?" she asked.
"Not yet," the friend said, "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and she asked, "May I see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," she replied.
After another few minutes had elapsed, she asked again, "May I see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the friend.
Growing very impatient, she asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she answered.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" she demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?!!"
******
Sami discusses putting one's affairs in order:
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs
in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into
the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we
women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go
so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the
club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached
by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her
impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and
gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you
just told your friends you were dying of AIDS." The woman said, "I don't
want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order
******
Maryse recalls that Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer
there is freedom, in water there is bacteria." In a number of carefully
controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter
of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of poop.
******
Maryse also tells us about a Polish immigrant who went to the DMV
to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye
sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Pollack replied, "I know the guy!"
******
Sami tells how the Pastor's Wife Gets a New Dress
One Sunday afternoon, the pastor's wife returned home with
an expensive dress in hand. When her husband asked her about
it, she explained.
"Well, I was on my way to put the church's offering money in
the bank, but I saw this amazing dress in the shop window. I
was just trying it on when the Devil appeared and started
tempting me to buy it."
At this point, the pastor was beginning to become angry.
"Why didn't you just use scripture and say, 'Get thee behind
me, Satan'?"
The wife sheepishly answered, "I did, but the Devil said,
'It looks even better from back here!'"
******
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