Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Monkey Business
09 February, 2008
Murray's story:
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works...
******
Maryse tells us about a Muslim who dies and goes to heaven. He was in a hurry to meet with Mohammed so he knocks at the gates. They are opened by a old man with a long beard. "Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, I am St Peter," replies the old man. "Mohammed is above."
So the Muslim climbs the ladder and is met by another bearded man: "Mohammed!"
"No, I am Jesus, Mohammed is above."
Impressed, the Muslim climbs another ladder an is met but yet another old bearded man. "Ah, Mohammed!" says the Muslim.
"No, no, I am Moses., Mohammed is above."
So the Muslim climbs another ladder leading to the clouds and sees an old man with a flowing beard: "Mohammed!"
"No, I am God, but please sit down, you look tired," and clapping in his hands, God calls: "Mohammed, 2 coffees please."
******
Murray relates how President George W. Bush was scheduled
to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his
campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings.
His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been
getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on
stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans
Administration. We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if
during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint."
The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The
Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it."
Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began:
"I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is
a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel.
He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and
manipulate the American people.
He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil
and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making
the United States the most hated country on earth.
He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to
widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina.
He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now
have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and
poor than we've had since the Depression.
He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since
Teapot Dome.
The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6
trillion Dollars.
Gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford with
low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.
Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold
because he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.
He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known, but
compared to Dick Cheney...George W. Bush is a saint."
******
Murray also tells about a Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.
Perry had never been with a hooker before , but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!
******
Philip Parham tells the story of a rich industrialist who was disturbed to find a fisherman sitting lazily beside his boat. "Why aren't you out there fishing?" he asked.
"Because I've caught enough fish for today," said the fisherman.
"Why don't you catch more fish than you need?' the rich man asked.
"What would I do with them?"
"You could earn more money," came the impatient reply, "and buy a better boat so you could go deeper and catch more fish. You could purchase nylon nets, catch even more fish, and make more money. Soon you'd have a fleet of boats and be rich like me."
The fisherman asked, "Then what would I do?"
"You could sit down and enjoy life," said the industrialist.
"What do you think I'm doing now?" the fisherman replied as he looked placidly out to sea.
******
Another story from Murray:
An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff .... Dad .... I became a prostitute .."
"Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad .... As ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) ... "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera , and ..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff .... A prostitute, dad! .... Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
******
Bobbie tells us about Paddy's big day:
A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Paddy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy .
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So,Paddy, how was your day?" Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Paddy
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jasis Paddy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
******
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