Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
On the Bus
13 December, 2007
A story from Bonnie:
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana .
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER
******
Susann tells us how Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.........."It's pronounced, 'Quiche'."
******
Bonnie has a FEW PUNS FOR THE CHRISTMAS SEASON
Santa Claus slides down the chimney because it soots him.
One young boy calls him Santa Cause because he heard there was Noel.
Helpers at the North Pole are called subordinate clauses.
You really need to get spruced up to sell Christmas trees.
At this time of year, crossing a setter and a pointer gives you a pointsetter.
Santa only swims at the North Pool.
The Pole Vault is where Santa keeps all the presents.
******
Susann has noticed some Funny Signs:
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
******
Sami discusses: MOODS OF A WOMAN
================
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad!
MOODS OF A MAN
================
Horny.
******
Bonnie tells this story:
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know. I don't eat cats."
******
Steven tells this story:
A woman's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
******
Steven also talks about Immigration
A Romanian arrives in Britain as a new immigrant to the country.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Britishman for letting me in this country, giving me
housing, money for food, free medical care and free education!"
The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Jamaican."
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by: "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in Britain!"
The person says, "I not British, I Asian."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not
British!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you British?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asks her,"Where are all the British people?"
The African lady checks her watch and says "Probably at work."
******
Bonnie has this story to tell:
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best Trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought
about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." (I love this part) The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
******
Sami has found some Church Bulletin Bloopers
They're back! Church Bulletin boo boos! Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference: includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the Congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
******
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