Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Gonna Be a Bear
5 October, 2007
Sami tells us...."Gonna be a bear."
In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're mama bear, everybody knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If you cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear.
******
Bunny tells us about a fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation.. And, if you bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
******
She also tells about two elderly people living at the Villages, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart" Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
******
Bonnie sorts out hymns and songs:
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the farmer, "it was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."
"Praise choruses," said his wife, 'What are those?"
"Oh, they're OK. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The farmer said, "Well, it's like this- if I were to say to you: Martha the cows are in the corn, 'well, that would be a hymn.'"
"If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:
'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN.' Then if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times - well, that would be a praise chorus."
As providence would have it, the exact same Sunday a young, new Christian from the city church attended the small town country church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the young man, "it was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."
"Hymns," said his wife, "What are those/"
"Oh, they're OK. They're sort of like regular songs - only different," said the young man.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The young man said, "Well, it's like this - if I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a regular song.
If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:
'Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry, inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth. Turn thou thy whole wonderous ear by and by, To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
For the way of the animals who can explain, there in their heads is no shadow of sense, Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain, unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
Yea those cows in mild bovine, rebellious delight, Have broke free of their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night, They all my mild chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.
So look to that bright shining day by and by Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry, And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.'
Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse - well, that would be a hymn."
******
Susann's story is about a Polish Death Threat.
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
******
Sami says, "DON'T MESS WITH THE OLD FOLKS............. "
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist
was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME
TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT
THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
******
Susann tells about a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler. At every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
******
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