Compendia . . . from J. A. Hirsch
Earthquake!
7 September, 2007




Compendia: Earthquake!


Steven L. reports that a big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Mexico . Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

******

Sami tells about a New Age Priest with New Ideas

The elder priest, speaking to the newer priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.

"The young priest nodded, and the elder priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock' n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elder priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "Confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And, I appreciate that -- but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

******

...and Susann answers with these Christian Bulletin Bloopers

Ushers will eat latecomers.

She sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving much pleasure to the congregation.

Sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
Sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

The patient is having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell " to someone who doesn't care much about you.

A letter to the men?s fellowship reads: "All members are requested to bring their wives and one other covered dish to the annual banquet."

******

Maryse has a story about first-year students at Texas A's Vet School who were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now--learn to pay attention."

******

A work colleague of Susann's was wanting to divorce his wife, but she was refusing. He was getting desperate.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the Produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Produce Department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Produce Manager as well! .

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY!

******

Susann also tells us about The Angel and the Statues

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male -- both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed upon you. I grant you the gift of life -- albeit, as a limited offer. You have thirty minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."

And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment. They looked all around, at their own bodies and back at each other.

Smiling, they then ran to the nearby woods and dove behind a large bush.

The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. (Angels aren't naive.)

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.

Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

"Oh yes!" the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL dump on its head."

******

Maryse tells us that these are actual writings on Hospital charts.

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

******

Bobbie tells us about Two Chimps and a Blonde.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was stunned to see the blond woman; she was walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.

******

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