Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Marriage at 90
26 August, 2007
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2
years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well
be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to
become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and
what plans need to be made. Along their way, they found themselves
in front of a drugstore.
George said to his bride-to-be, 'Let's go in. I have an idea.'
They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the
counter: 'Are you the owner?' asked George.
The pharmacist answered, 'Yes, sir. How can I help you?'
George: 'Do you sell heart medications?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
George: 'How about support hose for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
George: 'What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and
arthritis?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
George: 'How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes sir.'
George: 'Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes.'
George: 'What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation-H,
and ExLax?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
George: 'You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds and sizes. We have everything for the Seniors.
Why all these questions?'
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist,
'We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our
Bridal Registry.'
******
Darwin tells us about his grand daughter, Chloe. The logic of her brain never ceases to amaze him. Well, she has done it again.
Last year in the first grade, they were being posed for their class picture. Chloe is very short and really needed to be on the front row in one of the chairs. The only one empty was one by the teacher. When the photographer asked her to sit there, she said, "I don't want to sit by the 'old lady'." The teacher didn't know what to think, and probably talked to her about she really shouldn't say things like that.
Anyway, when Doreen, her mom, came to pick her up, the teacher told her about what happened, not in an angry way, but so Doreen could discuss it with her.
On the way home, Doreen was telling Chloe about how upsetting something like that could be. Her answer:
"Well, Mom! People call me 'young lady' and I don't get upset about it!"
Another time, Doreen was in the kitchen ironing. Chloe then four years old, wandered into the room asking, "What cha doin' mommy?"
"I'm ironing some of your clothes."
Chloe, being very observant, noticed something different. Her mom was using a new iron.
"What's that?"
"My new iron!"
"Why did you get a new one?"
"The old one quit working, and Daddy couldn't fix it."
Seeming to be satisfied with the answer, Chloe left the room, only to return in a couple of minutes with a puzzled look.
"Mom?"
Exasperated, her mom said, "What do you want Chloe?"
"Then, why do you buy new purses?"
******
Don S. sent this story to Jim W.:
A man who has finally made it in business treats himself to a new Lamborghini. After buying it, he feels guilty so he goes to the Orthodox Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini,"
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A sports car."
"What? That's blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, the man is disappointed, but goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"For my Lamborghini", the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, a sports car."
"What kind of sports car?" asks the Rabbi.
"Italian."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a Gentile car? Go to the Reform!"
Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but goes to the Reform Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car! What's a mezuzah?"
******
Bobbie tells us about The Seniors Breakfast Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors" special" was two
eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because
you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked
incredulously.
"YES!!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home..
******
Bobbie also has this story:
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Riccardo? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country
house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Riccardo, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Riccardo"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Riccardo."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Si Senor Riccardo, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!"
"Si Senor Riccardo."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Riccardo."
" WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor Riccardo...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE................... LONGER SILENCE...............................
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
******
Bonnie tells us about The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . . walked home . . . and left it there all night.
You gotta love people like Henry...
******
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