Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Mother Teresa Goes to Heaven
21 August, 2007
Susann tells us what happened when Mother Teresa Went to Heaven
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.
God greets her at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.
Again, it is tuna and rye bread.
Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still she says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
******
We've seen this story before, but Sami found more possible endings:
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones , Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it
to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they
changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
" Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it!
******
Bonnie tells us about some backwoods ignorant hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.
This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and "whup Clarence." He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and "whup Clarence?"
He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLARENCE 8 FT 3 IN"
******
Jack has heard people talking about doctors:
"One has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an
interview with a doctor than from any human experience."
---Alice James
Let's not kid ourselves. Whatever we diagnose, most patients, if they
don't die, get well by themselves. Our job is mainly to try to make
them feel better; do no harm.
---Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Wake Up Call, 1992
Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window,
except that the birds might eat them.
-- Dr. Martin Henry Fischer
Don't live in a town where there are no doctors.
--Jewish Proverb
[Medicine is] a collection of uncertain prescriptions the results of
which, taken collectively, are more fatal than useful to mankind.
--Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821)
Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However,
luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
--Richter cartoon caption
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.
--Sir William Osler (1849 - 1919), Aphorisms from his Bedside Teachings (1961) p. 105
The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals.
--Sir William Osler (1849 - 1919), In H. Cushing, Life of Sir William Osler (1925)
Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine;
now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic.
--Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin (1973) "Science and Scientism"
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature
cures the disease.
--Voltaire (1694 - 1778)
******
Jim W. offers this poem, English Paradoxes. The Author is unknown
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
******
Bonnie complains, " IT'S SOOOO HOT" -- and the exterminator is on the way
AH, SUMMERTIME!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless these walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass,
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please,
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In South Carolina, Lord, you've put them all.
But this is home and here we'll stay.
So thank you, Lord, for insect spray.
******
...and she tells us...YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN SOUTH CAROLINA IN JULY WHEN...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
******
Sami says, "I am really glad I am from IOWA, how about you"
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
IOWAFRIENDS: Always bring the food.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
IOWAFRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
IOWAFRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
IOWAFRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
IOWAFRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and then
cleanup.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
IOWAFRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
IOWAFRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' butt's that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
IOWAFRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" or look in your
frig to find out what's to eat.
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
IOWAFRIENDS: Are for life.
******
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