Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
A Really Bad Day
1 August, 2007
Susann had a REALLY bad day! She rear-ended a car today.
I tell you, It was a REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD DAY!
The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at her and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So she said, "Well then, which one ARE you?"
That's how the fight started.
******
Susann also has seen these funny news headlines
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
******
Murray says this story is for Senior Citizens.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too."
The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said. As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
******
BONNIE tells us that GUINEVERE AND LANCELOT HAVE A FALLING OUT
One night, Guinevere and Lancelot had a huge argument. Eventually, they reached an impasse.
Guinevere told Lancelot that she never wanted to see him again. Heartbroken, Lancelot headed to the local tavern.
Eventually, Guinevere calmed down. She went out to find him. Spotting Lancelot's horse outside the tavern, she went inside.
A man who was leaving recognized her. He asked, "What's a knight's girl like you doing in a place like this?"
******
Bonnie says she doesn't write them...just passes them on!
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
14. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
15. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
16. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
******
Maryse offers this food for thought - or is it thought for food?
Schizophrenia beats eating alone
******
Murray K. brings us a bit of history:
Digging to a depth of 1,000 meters in rural France last year, archeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters. Shortly thereafter headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: "English archeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."
One week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists found absolutely nothing. They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were using wireless technology.
******
Sami lists some very important discoveries:
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
******
Murray's news is that the FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there
were 3 finalists. There were two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, she wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
******
Elaine C tells us about two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside
the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned
over and said, "Life is so boring, We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00
I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady
slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as
fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed
by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through
the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.."
******
Bobbie reports on Marrying A Pennsylvania Girl
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Tennessee and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Pennsylvania . He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those Pennsylvania girls.
******
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