Compendia . . . from J. A. Hirsch
The Wedding Night
18 July, 2007




Leon L. tells us about the wedding night:

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'"

She did and said, 'These are too big I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me. "

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on mine."

He said, "I can't get into your pants!"

Karen said, "Exactly! And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

And she lived happily ever after.

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Susann tells us about Remus Starr

An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889."

In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus?s picture is cropped so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

(From Cybersalt.com)

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I repeat the story which Don A. tells about the RATS OF SAN FRANCISCO with apologies to certain people.

A recently divorced tourist happened to wonder into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. While sorting through the objects displayed he discovered a quite detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. Being interested in collecting esoteric and unique items he picked it up and inquired of the Oriental shop owner if it was for sale.

"Ah, yes", the little old Chinese man responded. "Twelve dollar foh da bronze and one thousand dollar foh da story!"

Intrigued, the collector tried to bargain, but the shopkeeper refused to do so.

Regretfully, the tourist told him, "At that price, I'll take the bronze rat, but you can keep the story!"

The dealer shook his head in dismay. "You be solly you not pay foh da story." The purchaser smiled and left the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crossed the street, he noticed two large rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Looking back nervously, he began to walk faster, but each time he passed a sewer drain more rats came out to follow him. After two city blocks at least a hundred rats were at his heels and people began to point and shout. He quickened his step, and soon broke into a trot as multitudes of rats swarmed from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned vehicles, all scampering after him and raising a din with their squeaking.

Tiring rapidly, he saw the water at the bottom of the hill and he broke into a panicky run, but no matter how fast he ran, he could not outdistance what by then amounted to thousands of squealing rats at his heels. As he neared the water there was a horde of rats many blocks long trailing behind him.

With a mighty leap he jumped high onto a lamp post and holding on with one hand hurled the bronze rat far out into the Bay. Clinging to the post he watched with amazement as the seething tide of rats surged after the bronze figurine, over the breakwater and into the sea where they all drowned.

Shaken to the core and mumbling to himself he made his way back to the antique shop, recovering from the ordeal. The little old white-bearded Chinese smiled to see him. "Ah, sir! I see you have returned to buy the story".

"No, not really", replied the collector. "I was hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer."

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...and a lesson from MARKETING 101, per Steven L:

Ali and Mohamed are panhandling on the Toronto subway.

Ali drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Mohamed only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Mohamed asks Ali how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10.00 bills every day.

Ali says "look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".

"Now, look at mine", says Ali.

Mohamed looks at Ali's sign.It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to my country".

******

Susann says, "FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN! "

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

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Sami tells about an old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site who noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: 'Do you men know Jesus Christ?'

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, 'Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?'

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'Why'?

The worker yelled back, 'His wife's here with his lunch.'

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