Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Don't Step on the Ducks
20 June, 2007
This is from Sondra L.:
Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
******
Sami's male friend must have told her this:
When I was married 40 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
Honey, 40 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 25-year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car,
big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year old woman. It
seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
*****
Don A. tells us HOW TO IDENTIFY A REAL SOUTHERNER
* A real Southerner knows that when Grandma or Grampa say, "GIMME SOME SUGAR, DARLIN' " it doesn't mean pass the sugar. Southern "young-uns" know what they mean.
* A real Southerner knows that when Grandpa is "FIXIN' TO" do something "DIRECTLY" it may or may not be a while before he does it.
* A real Southerner knows you should never loan your tools, pickup truck or guns to anybody. He knows if you loan your pickup you're also be loaning your tools and guns.
******
Jackie G . says that this is An Old Cowboy's Advice
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered..not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never squat with your spurs on.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
******
Maryse's story:
It was Ole and Lena's 50th anniversary, and at a
breakfast of the Lutheran Men's Viking Fellowship,
the minister asked Ole to share some insight into
secrets in how he managed to live with the same
woman for 50 years.
Ole replied to the audience, "Vell, I treated her vit
respect, spent money on her, and on our 25th anniversary,
I took her to visit her relatives."
The minister inquired, "Relatives, where?"
Ole said, "Oslo, Norway."
The minister said, "What a terrific example you are
to all husbands, Ole. Please tell the audience what
you're planning to do for
your wife now, on your 50th anniversary?"
Ole replied, "By golly, I tink I might go get her."
******
Bonnie submits A TALE OF A DISGRACED POLICE LIEUTENANT
A police officer was driving through an old part of town when he saw a former lieutenant on foot. The officer stopped and asked, "Hey, Pat, this isn't your new beat, is it?"
Pat said, "Unfortunately, it is - ever since I arrested a judge on the way to a costume ball."
"Why did you do that?" asked the officer.
Answered the former lieutenant, sadly, "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?"
The officer thought about it for a moment and said, "Well, I suppose it is best never to book a judge by his cover."
******
Sami's story doesn't have to be about a blonde...
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and
opens the Trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and Stands them
at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard
men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching
drivers..
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It
wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged,
approaches the Blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on
here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!"
asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
******
Jack F. tells this story:
A marine corps training squad was formed on Parris Island. All of the
squad members were assigned duties except one Chinese recruit. this
recruit approached the Sergeant and asked for an assignment. The
Sergeant said "OK private you are in charge of supplies".
The squad moved out on their march and were gone 10miles when everyone
realized the Chinese private was missing. the Sergeant counted heads
and duly noted the missing private.
They went another 5 miles when suddenly the Chinese private jumped out
from behind a tree with a scary mask and yelled, "suplize".
******
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