Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
A Senior Citizen's Alphabet
16 May, 2007
A SENIOR CITIZEN ALPHABET - from Murray
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K! K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!Well, as soon as their Business Managers catch up with me.
******
Don P. tells this story:
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won!
******
...and Bonnie tells this one:
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping" the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting".
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine".
******
..and this one:
Back in the Ozarks, you don't see too many people hang-gliding, but Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hite were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she had ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw straightens up and says, "Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
******
Here's Susann's story about birds:
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
******
Susann tells us about a person with "Aviation Aptitude"
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
******
Bruce wants to remind us of some AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thought for the Day: Some people are like slinkies ..... They are not really good for anything ... But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
******
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