Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
A Bet with the Auditor
18 April, 2007
My cousin Ken came up with this story, appropriate for tax time:
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about ademonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
******
Gautam, who lives in India, notes these Driving Styles ...
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window .
- Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy
One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on brake,
eyes on females in next car ,
- Welcome to INDIA!
******
Bonnie tells about a distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland turned to the priest beside her and said "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
The priest replied "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
Next!
******
With elections in the U.S. coming up next year, Roberta helps define the difference in the parties:
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She loweredher altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him; anhour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hotair balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes northlatitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me istechnically correct, but I have no idea what to do with yourinformation, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help tome."
The man smiled and; responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expectme to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position youwere in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault
******
Bonnie points out that these words have one meaning to us most of the time,but an entirely different meaning to parents:
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".
******
Susann introduces Vatican Fried Chicken
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
******
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