Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
New Songs for Baby-Boomers
12 April, 2007
Bonnie discusses new songs for BABY BOOMERS
It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits
with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits---- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr---------- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees------- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin-------- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack------- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--------- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon---------- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye-------- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem------- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer----------- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations---- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba----------------- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando------- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy-------- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--------- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
Willie Nelson------ On the Commode Again
******
Frank H. begs us, "Don't shoot the messenger of this punny stuff, folks, I just passed them on........that's all!"
(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it,"the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are!
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(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
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(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of Seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
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(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
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(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
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(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
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(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
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(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
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(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?
******
Bonnie tells us that in the beginning God created Eve, and she had 3 breasts.
After 3 weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.
"How're things, Eve?" He asked.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything
is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes they're a real
pain," reported Eve.
"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you know. I gave the animals, what, six?
So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"
So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked.
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off.
The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate
and I will immediately make a Man from a part of you. "
"Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless boob?"
******
Murray tells us that the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you
were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution,
and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke,
"Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waitedfor the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur," but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours."
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