Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Women Are Like Apples
9 April, 2007
Ted says that women are like apples on trees. The good ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men ... men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
******
Bonnie tells us about "The Hand Of G~d"
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning,however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'
"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
******
She also offers this "Diet Quiz"
If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake.
* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?
* After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?
* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?
* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?
* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?
* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?
* Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can- Eat Restaurants?
* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?
* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?
* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?
* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?
******
Bonnie's at it again. This time she says she thought you might like to see these!!! Comments made in the year 1957:
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"
If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would some day cost 29 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know,
boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in
'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't
surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters
now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if
we are electing the best people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
******
Susann offers the Top Reasons For Joining The Church Choir
- You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.
- The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.
- You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get used to sitting with a large group of people.
- The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
- There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.
- For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.
- You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.
- The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.
******
Bonnie again:
A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife
to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger
and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard,
and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he didn't have one!"
******
Roger K. is the source of this Jewish-Buddhist wisdom:
If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second sip, satisfaction.
With the third sip,
peace.
With the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health,
or a life without problems.
What would you talk
about?
The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
you never called,
you never wrote,
you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have? Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least
of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand
petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom
of a terminal illness.
The Torah says,
"Love your neighbor As yourself."
The Buddha says, "There is no self."
So - maybe
we're off the hook? ! ? ?
******
-30-