Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
A Jab Well Done
23 February, 2007
Roslyn P. calls this "A Jab Well Done"
The cannibal had a wife and eight kids.
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell in wet cement and broke his leg. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail
******
Jim W. suggested that I throw these away. He couldn't do it himself.
I have seensome of these before, certainly not all, and I'll just throw them your way.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture: a jab well done.
******
Murray says, "My Doctor is very good . . ."
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
so the doctor gave him another six months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor,there is a man here who thinks he is invisible."
The doctor said, "Tellhim I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor,doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film."
The doctor calmlyreplied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?
"The man replied, "When did whatstart?"
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a halffor an appointment he says,
"I wish you had come to me sooner."
******
Susann introduces us to Brown Paper Pete:
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked,
"Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender."
******
Joyce asks, "Ain't it the Truth!!!"
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
******
You may have to dwell a bit on this story from Maryse:
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!
Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an
E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord,
play a Jazz chord."
A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with
his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no.
Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"
Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the
stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
******
Susan relates how an out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help
with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't
move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
******
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