Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Taking Puppy's Picture
1 February, 2007
Bonnie tells us How to take puppy's picture...
Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from puppy's fur.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy by and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
******
,,,and for when the puppies grow up, she has Dog Property Laws
1. If i like it, It's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If i can take it from you, It's mine.
4. If i had it a little while ago, It's mine.
5. If it's mine it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If i'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, It's mine.
8. If i saw it first it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
******
Bern says, "THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY!"
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.
Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time!
If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until
they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the otherhand, people my own age are so much
older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the road
in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve
in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they
suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer
fit around the waist, hips,thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe"
the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're
fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy
too: they've printed the phonebooks in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone
will have to suffer these awful indignities.
******
Sami attributes these "New Rules for 2007" to George Carlin:
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes,
graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these
days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes
of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water There's a wholeaisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch
over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese.
******
Susann comments, "There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood"
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away fromthe parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long
as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distancethe friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionateto the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportionalto the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless itis the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
******
Bonnie talks about Corporations:
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two sheep.
* You sell one and buy a ram.
* Your flock multiplies,
and the economy grows.
* You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool
of four sheep.
* You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You go on strike because you want three sheep.
JAPANESE CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
sheep and produce 20 times the wool.
* You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and market
them worldwide.
GERMAN CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and shear themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for vino and lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You count them and learn you have five sheep.
* You count
them again and learn you have 42 sheep.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.
* You stop counting
sheep and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
* You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You have 300 people shearing them.
* You claim full employment,
high productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* That one on the left is kinda cute...
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* Both die from foot and mouth disease. No, we kill them both
IN CASE they get foot and mouth disease!
******
Darwin tells this story:
This happened on a flight preparing to departfrom Houston for New Orleans, Louisiana. Jackwas sitting on the plane
when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear, biting his nails.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, and there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots,
drugs and the highest crime rate in the country."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Just find a nice home, go to work,
mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world. I guarantee it."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say
it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a
Budweiser truck."
******
Darwin tells us that Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told Him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up She looked out the window and sure enough
there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
******
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