Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Bread
12 January, 2007
Sami tells us that Bread is the Root of All Evil!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little 8 hours.
6. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
******
Susann: tells about five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a Bris (circumcision) and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since!
******
Bonnie suggests these signs It's WAY Too Hot **
22. Baked Alaska is being used in reference to the entire state, not just the name for a delightful dessert.
21. The pizza you ordered is actually the same temperature that itc ame out of the oven when the delivery guy FINALLY gets it to your door.
20. The water in your swimming pool can be used to cook vegetables.
19. Your wife finally gives up her flannel footie pajamas.
18. Cows give homogenized milk right there at the Dairy.
17. Chickens lay hard boiled eggs.
16. Instead of "smoking or non-smoking" your favorite restaurantoffers "smoking AND smoking."
16. You can cook a full meal in your crock pot without ever plugging it in.
15. Your 97 year-old grandmother finally removes the down parka.
14. The frozen pork loin you bought at the grocery on special is fully cooked by the time you get home and you only live a two minute drive from the store.
13. Your church budget committee finally authorizes turning on the air conditioning in the sanctuary.
12. The squash in your garden are fully cooked when you pick them.
11. "Ice Cube" forced to change his name to "Wet Spot."
10. Death toll climbs each time someone asks: "Hot enough for ya?"
9. Too late, you realize that killing someone for a Slurpee is probably a crime.
8. You sat through Runaway Bride just so you could be in an airconditioned room for two hours.
7. Al Gore takes credit for inventing air conditioning.
6. You shaved ten minutes off the morning commute by cooking breakfast on your dashboard on the way in.
5. Your kids are toasting marshmallows -- by sticking them out the window.
4. Mirage in the living room keeps attracting dehydrated, bedraggled neighbor children.
3. Richard Simmons releases new diet program: "Sweatin'. Just Lyin' Around Motionless Sweatin'."
2. Local Goth queen spotted wearing a white cotton tennis dress with floral trim.
Number 1 Sign It's Way Too Hot...
1. Water comes out of the "cold" faucet at the same temperature as the "hot" faucet.
******
Sami tells us about the Singing Fish
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
******
Sami has this report from heaven:
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter.
"I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back..."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a few days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later... St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these guys. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
******
Bonnie has copied down "The things Our Children Say"
** "Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."
** My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."
** Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"
** As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."
** Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"
** When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"
** While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."
** My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?"
** Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, "I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."
** His mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You already have a son -- me!"
** When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!
******
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