Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Body Renewal
7 January, 2007
Susann tells about a middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied,"Girl, I didn't even recognize you."
******
Susann was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM! NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
Susann stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
******
Bonnie has a bunch of "Elegant Insults."
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people whoare putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."
- Mark Twain
An elderly woman's insult to Winston Churchill: "I find you excessively unattractive. If I proved married to you, I would put poison in your tea".
Churchill's response was instant. "And if I awoke and found myself married to you, I would drink it".
". . . she had the remains of a truly remarkable ugliness".
- Oscar Wilde
******
Bobbieanne's story:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to beable to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed..."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
******
Robert R. says,
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
...and he offers what he calls "Some Christian Humour."
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
******
Hans has a story about some pious gentlemen:
A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the experiences that had led to their religious devotion.
The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightning and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And since then my faith has never wavered."
The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then I have been the most devout of believers."
Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story. "One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road. It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday."
******
Murray K. has these lines about grandchildren:
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied
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