Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Purina Diet
27 December, 2006
Murray tells this story in the first person - it might even be true!
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog, Lola, and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog......Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO. I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my ass when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to need to be carried out of the door.
******
Maryse tells us that God was missing for six days.
Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of
God, "Where have you been?"
God proudly pointed downward through the clouds, LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot
spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this
one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a beautiful piece of
land, rich and fertile. "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's
Louisiana-the most glorious place on Earth! There are beautiful lakes and
rivers to the South, and acres upon acres of woodlands to the North. The
people from Louisiana are going to be friendly, intelligent and humorous, and
they're going to be the most spirited people in the world. They'll work hard
when it's time to work and play harder than anyone the world over. They will
be known throughout the world for great food, and spectacular festivals.
These people alone will discover the proper mix of religion, family, and
work." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "But you
said there'd be balance, God? What about BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loudmouth morons I'm putting next
to them in Texas!!"
******
Lou D. offers CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
******
Annette tells us about Hymn #365
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take
it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if
I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all
the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our
closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."
******
Maryse also comments on the state of things:
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a
deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see
a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge
handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told
him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read
through these and let us know if you still want to be
rescued."
******
Ask what's going on in heaven. Maryse will tell you:
Jesus visited St. Peter and told him he would like to check on his father,
Joseph. St. Peter didn´t know where Joseph lived after so many years in Heaven
but Jesus had time on his hands and started his search for an old man who
worked wood. He saw many and after hours of searching, someone pointed out
an old man who was a wizard with wood. The man was very ancient and was
putting the finishing touch to a wooden statue.
Jesus, seeing this admirable piece of craftsmanship praised the old man. The
old man replied that yes, when he was on earth, he was well known for his
woodwork . He had a very widespread reputation but he had a son whose
reputation was even bigger. Every man on earth knew his son and he was so
proud that his son´s name was on everyone´s lips.
Hearing that, Jesus threw his arms around the old man, crying´Father!´.
The old man, with tears in his eyes said´ Pinocchio!´
******
.,,. and at the airport, Sami tells us, there's mistletoe.:
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
******
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