Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Give Your Cat a Pill
11 December, 2006
Peter tells us how to give your cat a pill.
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill
in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid
to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak
filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.
How to Give A Dog A Pill . . .
1) Wrap it in bacon
******
Shirley reminds us:
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember .
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
******
Sami talks about buying a pickup....
A wise old Missouri farmer went to town to trade for a pickup truck he saw
advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price. After showing the
salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork.
The salesman handed the farmer the keys and the bill, to which the farmer
angrily declared, "This ain't the price I saw!"
The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras
such as power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc., and that made the
final price higher.
The farmer wanted only that truck and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the
price and drove it home.
A few months later, the salesman called the farmer:
"My son is in 4-H, and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any good
cows for sale?"
"Yep, I've a few good cows priced to sell at $500 each. Come on out and take
your pick."
The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few
hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, they decided on one
and the salesman proceeded to write a check for $500.
"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're gettin'
extras, and you have to pay for those, too!"
"What extras?" asked the salesman.
"I think you'll find all you're gettin' listed here" said the farmer.
BASIC COW - - $500.00
Two tone exterior - - $45.00
Extra stomach - - $75.00
Product storing equipment - - $60.00
Straw compartment - - $120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea - - $40.00
Leather upholstery - - $125.00
Dual horns - - $45.00
Automatic fly swatter - - $38.00
Fertilizer attachment - - $185.00
GRAND TOTAL - - $1,233.00
NEVER TRY TO OUTWIT A GOOD OLD MISSOURI FARM BOY!
******
Maryse tells us about two cannibals, Handible and Elbob meet one day.
Handible said, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary.
I've baked them, I've roasted them, stewed them, I've barbecued them,
I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."
Elbob asked, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
"Oh, you know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend in the river.
They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're
sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Aha!" the Elbob exclaimed, "No wonder! Those are fryers!"
******
Maryse also has this story about Boudreaux and Thibodeaux:
One day Boudreaux and Thibodeaux decide to go out to the basin to do some
fishing. So they go down to the dock and rent them a real nice pirogue (cajun
canoe), get all the bait they need, pack up the pirogue, and go on their way.
Well, they try all day long at all of the good spots that they can find, but
don't catch a single one. Finally, Boudreaux turns to his partner and says,
"Thib, mais dis is ridiculous. We've been here all day and tried every spot
we know of and we still haven't caught a single fish. Let's try one more
spot. If we don't catch a ting, then we're leaving."
So the two go to one more spot on the basin, and what do you know, they
start catching fish left and right. In fact, they caught their limit, the boat was full...
Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks, "Thib, pass me dat piece of chalk over
dere."
Thibodeaux replies, "Now Boudreaux, what the hell are you gonna do
with a piece of chalk?!" and hands Boudreaux the chalk.
Boudreaux reaches over the side of the pirogue and marks a big X and
answers, "Mais Thib, I'm gonna mark this spot on the side of the pirogue
so dat the next time we come out here we can remember where to catch
all dees fish!"
Thibodeaux turns to him and says, "Mais dat's the STUPIDEST ting I never
heard Boudreaux!! How you know we gonna rent the same boat next time!!!"
******
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