Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Jar Number Forty-seven
29 November, 2006
From Susann:
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!
******
Susann's pun is very long and a real groaner, so if you don't
like puns or have been experiencing stomach problems today,
you may like to skip it.
An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main.
Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.
The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.
"I want to speak to the manager," he demanded.
"I'm sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn't in today. Is there anything I can help you with?"
"You're right there is," he sputtered.
He reached into his pants pocket, extracted a tattered wallet and slammed it down on the counter.
"I bought this piece of garbage here only two months ago and now look at it. It's falling apart. Forty-nine ninety-five it cost me! Forty-nine ninety-five," he added for more emphasis. "Can you believe that?" His face was getting redder.
The clerk wasn't sure what to say to him. She only hoped the top of his head stayed put. She picked up the wallet and examined it.
"Yes, Sir, it certainly isn't in very good shape. And you say you've only had it for two months?"
"That's what I said. Two months and it falls apart. And you know what else?''
"No," she answered cautiously. "What?"
"It isn't even leather. You ripped me off. It looks like leather, feels like leather, even smells like it. But I'm a monkey's uncle if it is. And you charge me almost fifty dollars for it." He was sputtering badly now. "That's highway robbery and I don't intend to let you get away with it."
"Well ... what exactly are you looking for?"
"I want my money back, every cent of it."
"Do you have your receipt?" He opened the wallet and produced the slip.
She examined it. "I'm afraid there's nothing I can do."
The top of his head seemed to rise above his crimson ears.
"What do you mean?" he bellowed. "I have my receipt, the goods were defective and I want restitution. Do you understand?"
"Yes, of course I understand but as I just told you, there's nothing I can do." She was more confident now.
"What kind of store is this? I buy something in good faith and when it falls apart prematurely you refuse to give me satisfaction. Is that the kind of
operation you're running?"
"It's not that simple Sir. We are indeed a reputable firm but in this case, well, ... I'm sorry."
His sputtering had shifted into high gear and he was showering the clerk with spit. "Sorry ... sorry? That's all? Perhaps you'd explain just why you insist on treating me like this."
She pointed to the receipt. "Did you read the fine print?"
He was dumbfounded. "What fine print?"
"Here, just below the total." She pointed to it like a teacher in a class of maddeningly slow learners.
"See," she said, "All Sales Are Vinyl."
******
Bonnie's pun is shorter, but it's a real stinker.
A skunk had two twin sons she named In and Out.
One day, Out was in the house and In was outside playing. The mother skunk
had just finished preparing dinner and wanted the boys to sit down to eat.
She said to out, "Out, go and find your brother. I've been calling him for
ages and can't find him."
Out went outside and quickly returned with his brother. The mother skunk
asks, "How did you find your brother so quickly?"
Out replied, "Easy. In stinked."
******
Bonnie tells about the MISSING BEARD
My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off.
He came into the room where my 5-year-old daughter Samantha was and asked
her, "Notice anything different?"
To which she replied, "No" with a puzzled look on her face.
My husband then said to her, "My beard's gone."
Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she
said, "I didn't take it!"
******
...and offers this FOR THE WIVES
He didn't like my pudding
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard.
Not like his mother use to bake.
I didn't perk the coffee
And I didn't make the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
Like his mother use to do.
As I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue. So,
I turned around and boxed his ears,
Like his Mother used to do!
******
Thanksgiving (in the U.S.) is past, but Sami's story is still a good one:
Subject: Black November
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of Black November:
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part," he said, not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice, and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates, and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough, when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming....
******
Bonnie comes up with these ** "Kids Statements That Are a Little... Off Track" **
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a
band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and
to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
******
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