Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Marriage Definitions
15 November, 2006
Here are some ** "MARRIAGE DEFINITIONS" ** - courtesy of Bonnie
BACHELOR:
1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman
miserable.
2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.
4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her
alimony.
5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the
happiness of pursuit.
6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind
her.
COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife
whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look
fat in a fur coat.
GENTLEMAN: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that
his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A
man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to
her so that she can easily pick it up.
HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she
doesn't do it.
HUSBAND: 1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized
he had. 2) A person who is the boss of his house and has
his wife's permission to say so.
JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits
the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to
indicate that they are in the market.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace
of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings,
and no recognition.
SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all
the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in
the first place.
WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having
anything to wear at the very same time that she complains
about not having enough room in the closet.
******
Bonnie offers ** MY FORGETTER **
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
******
Carole H. lists "Top Ten Reasons Why It's Great to Be a Frog."
10. Babes are always kissing you because they think you'll turn into a prince.
9. Flies in your soup are a bonus.
8. You're above toads on the food chain.
7. Green goes with absolutely everything!
6. Pond Scum is a term of endearment.
5. Most restaurants have a "no croaking" section.
4. Amphibians are at a minimum risk of appearing on Geraldo.
3. You can scratch hard to reach places with your tongue.
2. You can donate your body to science for big bucks!
1. It sure beats being a newt.
******
Bonnie tells us that trying to control my dry hair, she treated
her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the
oil might leave an odor, she washed her hair several times.
That night when she went to bed, she leaned over to her
husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing her. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
******
Bobbie says, "Here's the Italian Pasta Diet: IT REALLY WORKS!"
1. You walka pasta da bakery.
2. You walka pasta da candy store ..
3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
******
What with Thanksgiving in the U. S. coming up next week,
Shirley offers some turkey riddles.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!
What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.
How many turkeys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one but it takes 5 hours.
Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It's served with very little dressing.
What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch
What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside!
Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed!
What did the turkey do in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
He played his drumsticks!
******
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