Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
More Words, More Meanings
7 November, 2006
Maryse, in France, has been reading the Washington Post
and she reports on their yearly contest where readers are asked
to supply alternate meanings for various words -- and the
winners are...
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
******
...and here, from Bonnie: Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. This is different from the above in that you are creating a new word.
Here are the 2005 winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14.. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem starter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Glibido: All talk and no action.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
******
Also from Maryse;
When I introduced my friend Wes to the proprietor of my favorite Chinese restaurant, the owner greeted him enthusiastically, saying, "Welcome, West."
Wes shook his hand and smiled despite the mispronounced name.
All through the meal, the proprietor checked to make sure "West" was pleased. Finally, Wes corrected him, "It's Wes, not West."
"West, not West?" asked the confused man.
Wes smiled patiently and nodded. "Yes," he said, "Wes, no 't'."
"Ah," said the proprietor and walked away with our teapot.
******
Sami offers some Women's Profound Sayings
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class
pulls a hamstring.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain
5 lbs.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what
you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your
body and your fat are really good friends.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two
sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know,
sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had
14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ...
and then they marry him!
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too
much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my
idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30
can fit into their stuff.
******
Bonnie says, "Dad's are the best," and gives these examples:
A father had his 5 children sit in a circle, with him on the floor. He,
then, placed a toy he had won, as a door prize, in the center of the circle
and said he wanted to give it to the most obedient child.
He, then, asked them, "Who is the most obedient?"
There was no response from any of the children.
Sensing that they didn't understand what "obedient" meant, he, then, asked,
"Who always obeys mommy and does everything she says?"
One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. Okay,
"you win!" exclaimed the child.
-----------
The little boy greeted his grandmother, with a hug, and said, "I'm so happy
to see you grandma. Now, maybe daddy will do the trick he has been
promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the
walls if you came to visit us, again."
------------
Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black
eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.
While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I
gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
------------
My 3 year old son put his shoes on by himself. I noticed that they were on
swapped (left-right).
I said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at me, with a raised brow, and said, "Don't kid me, Dad. I
know they're my feet!"
------------
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his
four-year-old son standing at the fence, with wide eyes, taking in the whole
event. The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm
gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees, now. No need to jump the
gun. I guess I'll let him ask and, then, I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well
son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed boy. "How fast was that calf going when he
hit that cow?"
******
Andy C. tells us how, one summer evening, he was playing cops and robbers
in the back yard; after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his father and yelled, "Bang! You're dead!"
He slumped to the ground and, when he didn't get up right away, a neighbor
ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and said,
"Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
******
Mary Lou D. says that she loves the outdoors and, because of her passion for
hunting and fishing, her family eats a considerable amount of wild game.
So much, in fact, that one evening, as she set a platter of broiled venison
steaks on the dinner table, her ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,
"Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."
******
And Susann relates this occurrence in a courtroom:
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
******
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