Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Too Old to Trick or Treat
25 October, 2006
Susann says, "You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when: "
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go back home to PEE !
******
Sami relates, There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose
job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the
time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a
warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same
old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened
It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift
of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very
nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was
$4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely yours
Edna".
******
Bonnie offers this story:
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and
drove off along the route. There were no problems for the first few stops -
a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,
built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the
driver and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he
wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of
refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day,
and the next. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep
over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses,
karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had
become quite strong, and what's more, he felt really good about himself.
On the next Monday, when Big John once
again got on the bus and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" The driver stood up,
glared back at the passenger, and screamed, " And why not ?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, " Big John has
a bus pass"
Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working
hard to solve one..."
******
Sami offers a new Twist On King Solomon Story
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the king until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh, sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.
******
Murray's story was one of my father's favorites:
Joe has been having severe headaches for several years now and his
wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist. The doctor said, "Joe,
the good news is I can cure you headaches. The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one
hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything
to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first
time in 20 years but he felt like he was missing an important part
of himself.
He walked down the street and realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He
saw a men's clothing store and thought, that's what I need . . a
new suit.
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . .
. . . size 44 long.
Joe laughed. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked,, "How about a new shirt? "
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves, and
16 ½ neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman
asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see . . . size 36. "
Joe laughed, "Ah ha!! I got you - I've worn a size 34 since
I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head: "You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base
of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
******
Gautam reports on this UN Survey: Last month, the UN conducted
a worldwide survey. The only question asked was:
Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world? The survey was a HUGE failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In India they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
******
And Maryse reports that during a terrible storm, all the highway signs were
covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the
signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.
"That's an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we're
lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government."
"Why's that?"
"Because knowing the federal government, they' would have decided to
lower the highways."
******
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