Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
On Marriage
12 October, 2006
Pete has assembled some quotations on the subject of Marriage:
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
******
Bonnie has found some CROSS-BRED DOGS newly recognized by the AKC
~~Pekingese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
~~Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
~~Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
~~Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
~~Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle.
~~Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the
choice of research scientists.
~~Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
advisors.
~~Bloodhound X Labrador =Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
~~Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
~~Collie X Lhaso Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
******
Carole H.'s story about the Contest I have heard before, but
I don't remember having included it in the Compendia.
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about
who was better on the computer. They had been going at it
for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the
bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough.
I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours,
and from those results, I will judge who does the better
job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed
away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was
faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain
poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse
word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them
restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the
power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his
files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he
screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has
all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES.
******
Another "religious" story, this time from Maryse:
The new nun goes to her first confession.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the
confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say
five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the
altar."
******
..and this from Susann:
A very fervent preacher was completing a temperance sermon.
With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, " For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
******
Bonnie tells about an insulting bird:
There was this city doctor who started a practice in the
countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick
farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped
coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to
ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'.
The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance...
every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!"
******
Remember this poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow?
Jack retells it:
Youngishers listen mit hearen der tellen
how Paul der Revere bin geriden pell mellen
Meinself bin forgetten ven Paul ist Gestarten
und vitnessen volkers bin longisch departen
Paul bin instructen his helper ist keepen
Der scharpescher vatch und snoopen und peepen
iffen der Englisch mit comen der footen
Hangen der lamper mit meanen der comin
but iffen der schneakers mit comen der boaten
increasen der lampers mit meanen der floaten
Ach! ein und zwei lampers mit soone outbeamen
ven Paul gets on his horse und klippity kloppen
und yellen und screamen
das volkers bin uppen und fighten
das Paul der Revere for disturben der nighten.
******
Sami tells us about THE PERFECT DRESS
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to
learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
******
Bonnie tells about a "First Dental Exam"
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. "How old are you?"
No response.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up. "Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"
******
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