Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Two Dollar Bill
27 September, 2006
Here in Canada we have one dollar coins, which we call "Loonies," because
there is a picture of a loon on them, and two-dollar coins, which we call
"Toonies," because...you guessed it. We use both denominations without
giving them a second thought. But in the U.S., Sami tells us,,,,
(Sorry if it's a bit long)
This is too funny not to be true! From young people who don't know how to
make change to not knowing currency.
The $2 Bill. Everyone should start carrying them!
I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring
them out in public. The younger generation doesn't know they exist.
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In
my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I
can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at
me for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go "
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2
bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following
conversation occurs between the two of them: Server:
"Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, why won't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter,
and says to him, "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills
this time of night."
Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really, tell me why."
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and
I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this
45-year-oldish guy Comes in.
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this .. A two dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he as is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah."
Security Guard walks over to me and......
Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say
"I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at
him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says,
Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns
on the guy that he has no clue.
So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and
some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could
probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.
******
Bonnie's stories involve children and spelling:
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic
letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly
displayed for all to see.
One morning, while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into
the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic
letters: G - O - D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so
Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
That Church school education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?"
----------
Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling, once she
learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.
From the back seat of the car she'd yell, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast, she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks.
Then, one afternoon, as they sat coloring in her room, she asked,
"Mom, what does lmdz spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed, and said, "Boy,
there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"
----------
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks
Tommy if he can spell 'before'.
He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again, the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks,
"Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent, Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
******
Gautam, from India, has these thought on the international scene:
The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the
attack on the Pentagon: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very
big tragedy.. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon,
we have copies of everything."
---------
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th September:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It
is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings...
I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
----------
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis
and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about
the 14 million Pakistanis!"
******
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