Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
A Weigh of Life
25 September, 2006
Susann tells us, "A diet is a weigh of life."
It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.
The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonald's.
The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
******
Bonnie relates THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
From folks who've been there.
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing, religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that, last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the most obvious stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress (a whimper, a frown), you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can get home to wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier hits the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off, on your shirt, and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers periodically, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two--three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You aim to get their diaper changed before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call, only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance!
******
Becky S.: MY BIRTHDAY
On my birthday, my two children ordered me to stay in bed.
I lay there looking forward to being brought my breakfast, as the
inviting smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
At last, the children called me downstairs. I found them sitting at
the table, each with a large plate of bacon and eggs.
"As a birthday surprise," one explained, "we've cooked our own
breakfast."
******
A bunch from Bonnie:
DRESS ALIKE
The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her
children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't
lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them
alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
******
A COW?
After trying, for hours, to get my daughters to clean their room, I
burst in and yelled, "GET THIS ROOM CLEAN, NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!"
My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me, with a very puzzled
expression, and said, "You mean you're going to get rid of us and have a
cow, instead?"
******
HOW TO KEEP YOUR SANITY
Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids.
She complained, to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such
pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
"What you need is a playpen, to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So, Mary bought a playpen.
A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that playpen, with
a good book, and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
******
DOLL
Little Nancy wailed over her doll, crushed by car tires, when her
mother had backed over it.
Finally, her mother had heard enough, "Don't come crying to me. I
told you not to leave it on the porch!"
******
MOTHERHOOD
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime
finally came, I laid down the law, "We're putting on your pjs, brushing your
teeth, and reading ONE book. Then, it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We
learned, in Sunday school, about little boys and girls who don't have
mommies and daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful
to have me.
I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes and, then, she whispered,
"Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
******
ANTI-DRUG MESSAGE
My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced, just before school,
that she needed to take a clean "tee shirt" to class. She told us the
teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.
My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing
usable but one "tee shirt" that already had something printed on one side.
She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other... "Be Smart,
Don't Start."
******
The first man to land on Mars stepped out of his rocket only to be
surrounded by small creatures covered with fur.
"Who are you?" said our hero."
"We are furries," they replied.
"Take me to your leader" said the astronaut.
Upon arriving at a large cave he saw a big furrie with a
hypodermic needle sticking out of his head. Taking this to be the
leader our man asked his guide ,
"How do I address him"
The guide said:."The Furry with the syringe on top"
******
Bonnie tells us WHY DOGS ARE MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
A handyman had a dog named Mace. Mace was a good dog, but he had a strange
quirk. He liked to eat grass - lots of it.
One day the handyman was working
outside. Much to his dismay, he lost his favorite wrench in some tall grass.
After looking for a while, he had to give up because it was getting dark.
The next morning, he decided to go look for the wrench again. He found Mace
had eaten the grass where he was working. The wrench was now in plain sight.
So the handyman called the dog over and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the
hound, that saved a wrench for me."
******
Gautam reminds us that in some languages, many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
******
Susann tells us how, In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.
"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
******
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