Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Heightened Security Levels
12 September, 2006
A friend called this to Susan's attention:
Heightened Security Alert Levels in Europe
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, levels may be raised to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "a Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain available: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they perceive is the massive and wealthy NATO staff pulling out of Brussels.
******
MM Contributes Hillbilly Medical Terms just in case you didn't know them:
Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic............................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate...........................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester...........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...........................A small lie.
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Hospital.......................The biggest building in town, other than
Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew it.
Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor who lived in the Caesarean Section.
Tablet.........................A small table to change babies on.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor........................More than one.
Urine..........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose......................Near by
******
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously
erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all
of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and
amusement. MM brings us some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse get's the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
******
Susann tells up about Barbara Bush's Embarrassing Moment
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those
most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on
the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with
her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was
lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial
Palace.
Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the
conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal
engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or
"No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good
measure.
Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented
Hirohito on his official residence.
"Thank you," he said.
"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.
"Yes."
"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling
down?" asked Mrs. Bush.
In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito
replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."
******
Sami offers 10 reasons why it's great to be a frog:
10. Babes are always kissing you because they think you'll turn into a prince.
9. Flies in your soup are a bonus.
8. You're above toads on the food chain.
7. Green goes with absolutely everything!
6. Pond Scum is a term of endearment.
5. Most restaurants have a "no croaking" section.
4. Amphibians are at a minimum risk of appearing on Geraldo.
3. You can scratch hard to reach places with your tongue.
2. You can donate your body to science for big bucks.
1. It sure beats being a newt.
******
Susann contributes two shorties:
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"
---
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant. They, put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.
"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."
The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches
******
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