Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
You Know You're from New York City f...
8 September, 2006
Bonnie says, You Know You're From New York City If ...
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
The subway makes sense.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
You think Central Park is "nature."
You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
Your closet is filled with black clothes.
You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you.
You pay $5, without blinking, for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
You take fashion seriously.
Being truly alone makes you nervous.
Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
You don't notice sirens anymore.
You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli,
your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite
bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on
your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand
guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
Your door has more than three locks.
You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect.
You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.
Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you.
******
MK says that this is a true story ...
A Michigan woman and her family were
vacationing in a small New England town where Paul
Newman and his family often visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a
long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided
to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream
cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the
center of the village and went straight to the
combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul
Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and
coffee. The woman's heart skipped a
beat as her eyes made contact with those famous
baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the
star-struck woman smiled demurely.
Pull yourself together! she chides herself. You're a
happily married woman with three children; you're
forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip
chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in
the other. Then when she went out the door, avoiding
even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a
handful of change - but her other hand was empty.
Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the
store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see
the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on
the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in
sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin
and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse"
******
Bobbie talks about going for a haircut.
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the
cut he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry I
cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service." The florist
is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to
open his shop, there is a thank you card and one dozen roses waiting at
his door.
A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber
after the cut. But the barber replies: "I'm sorry I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves
the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a
thank you card and one dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Mexican cook goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I'm sorry I can't accept
money from you I'm doing a community service." The Mexican cook is
happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his
shop he finds....................
A dozen Mexicans waiting for a free haircut
******
Jack F. yells that you
"PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE
BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
(FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST by KIDS) .
Much of this can be traced to Richard Lederer (q,v,)
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN
OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL
LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD
WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL
TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA
CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY
SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET
THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY
******
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