Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
To Us Girls
2 September, 2006
Sami writes "To Us Girls...."
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess.
I have two mounds upon my bodice;
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I Can justify any shopping spree.
I Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.
I Can get a massage without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook, I can pump my own gas.
I can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles at any cost,
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch,
And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch.
I don't wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart.
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art.
Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear. I can do better!
Flowers are okay But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face, Not at my chest!
I don't have a problem Expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying, You look at the ceiling.
Don't call me a girl, A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN, Get it, you prick?!
******
Joyce C. tells us about some of the things she learned in Texas
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in
the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas,
plus a few no one has ever seen before.
Raccoons will test your melon crop, and let you know when they
are ripe.
If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their
house.
A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25; then it stops
totally until October 2.
Onced and twiced are words.
Coldbeer is one word
People actually grow and eat okra.
Green grass DOES burn.
When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City
people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the
first few weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to
see a doctor.
Fix-in-to is one word.
There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only breakfast,
dinner and then there's supper.
"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals, and you start
drinking it when you are two. You also give it to babies for colic..Just
a tid-bit.
"Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what
time it is. You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes or hours.
You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
Stores don't have bags. They have sacks.
You see cars with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot
with no one in them, no matter what time of the year.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a
vegetable.
You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave
both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables for your own car.
You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper,
Ketchup, and Tabasco.
You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.
The local papers cover national and international news on one
page, but require six pages to cover Friday night high school football.
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.
The four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer and
Christmas.
You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or
South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-
Martin" or "off to Wally-world".
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good
chili-eatin' weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a
Coke regardless of brand or flavor.
Every Texan knows exactly where "Over Yonder is", No one else has a
clue...
Rain! What's that? We don't have much in Texas..
A woman from Texas is scared of a mouse, but will tackle a man 10 foot
tall..
Texans understand these jokes. If you do too, forward them to
your friends from Texas. If you don't just come and stay awhile
******
Bonnie tells about a fast thinker!
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse.
The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's
sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held
aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.
"This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!"
There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who
had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said.
"Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
******
Bonnie also tells about the person who had a SKIING ACCIDENT
A guy injured himself skiing, one weekend. By the time he got home,
Sunday, he was very swollen and having difficulty walking, So, he called
his physician at his home.
The doctor told him to soak in hot water. He tried soaking in hot
water, but became more swollen and it was more painful.
His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid.
But, I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for
swelling."
He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Monday morning, he called his Dr. again, to complain. "Say, Doc,
what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak in hot water and
it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it -- my maid said
hot water."
******
Bruce tell us about two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the US:
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.
The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."
******
Maryse tells us about a baby seal who walks into a bar and sits down.
"What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
******
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam..
His new nurse, Evelyn,took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........
Darn it Evelyn!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT
******
-30-