Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Ice
24 August, 2006
One October, Sami and her family spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic
Peninsula. She relates, we were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast,
but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable.
Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when
we saw a sign.
"Ice 10 miles."
Five miles farther on, there was another sign.
"Ice 5 miles."
The next one was "Ice 1/2 mile."
We practically crept that half-mile.
We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."
******
Bonnie says that this is from: "MK"
I have taken the liberty of editing out some of the more risque items.
1. Men are like ....... Laxatives... ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ....... Weather...... ... Nothing can be done to change them.
3. Men are like ........Blenders.. ......You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
4. Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars.. ... ....Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
5. Men are like ....... Commercials... ............You can't believe a word they say.
6. Men are like ....... Department Stores ......Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
7. Men are like ....... Government Bonds.......They take soooooooo long to mature.
8. Men are like ....... Mascara..................They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
9. Men are like ....... Popcorn.. ...............They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
10. Men are like ..... Lava Lamps.. ......... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
11.Men are like ...... Parking Spots... ......All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
******
as is this:
*AND THEY ASK WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT . . . .*
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 7 - 6 Saturdays and 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to
retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer! : The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
******
Bonnie forwards this bit of Lexophilia from MM:
Pluralism (with apologies to the late Dr. Seuss)
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of mouse should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.
******
...and she tells this story about the Illiterate Mr. Schwartz:
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of seven children, so he had to quit school and
work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to
read. When he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks
simply "XX".
Eventually Schwartz started his own business, which immediately prospered.
Soon he was a very rich man.
One day he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I
need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it.
All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one
that was signed with three X's."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've
become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."
******
Sami tells us how to hire the right people
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and
come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing .
If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management
******
At the risk of repeating a story that I have already used, this is from Joyce C.:
Marty, a contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If he answered the next question correctly, he would win $1,000,000. And, as he suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was:
"Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
He was on the spot. He did not know the answer. All that remained was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and he hoped against hope that he would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that he knew would be home happened to be his girlfriend, a blonde. But he had no alternative -- he called her and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy! The answer is C: The cuckoo."
Marty had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that his friend had given. And, considering that his friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, that he could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing his fingers and drawing in his breath, Marty said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer"
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, Marty hosted a party for his family and friends including the blonde who had helped him win the million dollars. He said, "Jenny, I just don't know how to thank you. Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way ... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests ... they live in clocks."
******
-30-