Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Drinking
21 August, 2006
Frank and Teri explain The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drinkI feel shame Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be outof work and their dreams would be shattered.Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "~Frank SinatraWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends overand over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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Bonnie forwards these stories about dogs from MM:
Dog Philosophy 101 from my daughter Leah, a dog lover too.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead ofhis tongue. -Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you arewonderful. -Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face -Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog! -Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.-James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth. -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax andget used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not biteyou; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a lookthat says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - DaveBarry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in yourpocket and then give him only two of them. -Phil Pastoret
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Bobbie tells us that with all the new technology regarding fertility recently, 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and wenthome, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and wecan visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
"May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they askedagain, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked,"Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded,
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"Because I forgot where I put him" she said
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MM offers Wanderings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener. Now everyone thinks that I'm cool, too.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it, "Pumping Rust".
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers could lookfor them while they delivered the mail?
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?
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Three travel stories from Bonnie:
FAMILY VACATION
Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband explained, to their young children, that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there, yet?"
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter asked, "Is it dark, yet?"
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NO VACANCIES
We had been on the road for 15 hours, en route from New York to California, and were looking for a place to spend the night.
At four different motels, however, we were told, "Sorry, no vacancies."
Heading back to the car, my seven-year-old son asked, solemnly, "Mom, are we vacancies?"
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WHY WORRY?
Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a vacation in Colorado; flying to Denver and renting a car.
We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1000 feet above the Arkansas River.
Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swayed in the wind.
Then, a car went past us and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath my feet.
"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," I finally said.
"What are you worried about?" our daughter replied. "It's a rental car."
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