Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Southernness
17 August, 2006
Murray from Montreal (the North) thinks he can tell use about Southerners.
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, .. as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request
for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little
bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not
use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and
a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road"
can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between
a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn..
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in line," ... we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, .... all y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee
are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;
and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her
heart" ... and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your
Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and
call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are
fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that
reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
SOUTHERN WOMEN
Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
Fort Worth (Foat Wuth)
New Orleans (N'awlins)
Atlanta (Addlanna)
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
******
Bobbie tells us about four retired guys, two from California and two from Arizona,are walking down a
street in Chicago. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar""ALL DRINKS 10
CENTS!"
They look at each other, and then go in.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,"Come on in and let me pour one for
you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 4 men each ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says,"That'll be 10 cents each, please."
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve
martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the
bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida. They're waiting for happy hour."
******
Three Texas stories from Bonnie:
A group of Tyler friends
went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one
of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an
eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a
stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the
successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and
carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the
hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
*************************************
A senior at Texas A&M was
overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in
East Texas. When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in East Texas
because everything happens in East Texas 20 years later than in the
rest of the civilized world.
************************************
The young man from Texas A&M
came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just
stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied,
"Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell,
but I got the license number."
******
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