Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
What's Amore?
11 August, 2006
I've heard this before, but Jeffrey M. put it all down in writing:
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
Gets strangled in strife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Waves his sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine
And you tied up her line
That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest
That's some more "A"s!
When on Mt. Cook you see
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.
A comedian-ham
With the name Amsterdam
That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham
Is so full and so crammed
That's a s'more, eh?
When you've had quite enough
Of this dumb rhyming stuff
That's "No more!", eh?
******
Maryse came up with this story:
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the
pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's
filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see
the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they
get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for.
Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the
muck kills dolphins. So Jesus decides to take action and strides
across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in
filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever
hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on
water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin.
"Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my
neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."
At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says,
"why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly fool?"
******
Judi has this story for us:
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said,
"Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.
"The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the
holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In
the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and
made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to
be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were
strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of
stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their
arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man
shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, "You
have seen Hell."
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as
the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew
which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the
same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump,
laughing and talking. The holy man said, "I don't understand.
"It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have
learned to feed each other. While the greedy think only of themselves.. "A
friend is someone who reaches for your hand, and touches your heart."
"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't
need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there...."
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
******
Peter says he was at a #6 last month!
...and so as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
he says that you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,
and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one
******
Some musical humour from Robert R.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't be both."
What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm? A tattoo.
What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? The defendant.
What will you never say about a banjo player? That's the banjo player's Porsche.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
******
You are not my son: a story from Jim W.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints.
The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer
who could ensure a Super Bowl victory for the Saints, who had played so poorly
for so many years.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a
window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney,
and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game
of football ....... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks
him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.
You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the
greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "at this very moment there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and your sister has
been raped several times right in front of our house!"
The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us live in New Orleans!!"
******
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