Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Aging
26 July, 2006
Don S. goes to the doctor.
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.A
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then what should it matter to you?"
******
...but Ken M. says that he thinks the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities,
You become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then ...
You finish off as a gleam in your parents' eyes..
It's got to be better this way cause this getting old sucks!
******
Murray K. tells us that these are from a New York Magazine
competition in which competitors were asked to change one
letter in a familiar, non-English phrase and then redefine it.
Harlez-vous français? (Can you drive a French motorcycle?)
Idios amigos. (We're wild and crazy guys.)
Veni, VIPi, Vici. (I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered.)
J'y suis, J'y pestes. (I can stay for the weekend.)
Cogito Eggo Sum. (I think, therefore I'm a waffle.)
Rigor Morris. (The cat is dead.)
Respondez s'il vous plaid. (Honk if you're Scottish.)
Que sera, serf. (Life is feudal.)
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi! (The king is dead. No kidding!)
Posh mortem. (Death styles of the rich and famous.)
Pro Bozo publico. (Support your local clown.)
Monage à trois. (I am three years old.)
Felix navidad. (Our cat has a boat.)
Haste cuisine. (Fast French food.)
Veni, vidi, vice. (I came, I saw, I partied.)
Quip pro quo. (A fast retort.)
Aloha oy! (Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should
never know.)
Mazel ton. (Lots of luck.)
Après Moe, le deluge. (Larry and Curly get wet.)
Porte Kochère. (Sacramental wine.)
Ich liebe rich. (I'm really crazy about having dough.)
Fui generis. (What's mine is mine.)
VISA la France! (Don't leave the château without it.)
Ça va sans dirt. (And that's not gossip.)
Merci rien. (Thanks for nothin'.)
Amicus puriae. (Platonic friend.)
L'ètat, c'est moo. (I'm bossy around here.)
L'ètat, c'est Moe. (All the world's a stooge.)
******
MM writes about MID-LIFE
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great
time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great
menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and
would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or
maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us
plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see
your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the
only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and
scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting
on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and
think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain
is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally --
more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the
"big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice
cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We
realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones
make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you
have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have
to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my
philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
******
Jim S. tells us how to match Job Applicants with the right Position
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an
open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door.
Leave them alone, and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the
situation :
If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.
If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
If they have the bricks in a running stack bond, neatly placed, put them in Construction, they know what they are doing.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in security
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.
If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
******
Sherill L. explains that Texas is "Not as Bad as They Say"
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat Beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, Biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas. There's crazy people in Texas. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate...."
"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Laredo."
******
Murray K. has just returned from a new High Tech Grocery Store...
The new Supermarket near our house, he says, has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far, he says, he has been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle
******
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