Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
New Proverbs
16 June, 2006
New Proverbs - from Lorna R.
There have been a couple of generations in the last sixty years that have missed the boat but this group isn't one of them.
A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the
first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that
these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses..........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ......termites..
5. You can lead a horse to water but ..... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that .....................looks dirty.
7. No news is.......................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .................. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ...... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ................................ me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ............pigs.
13. An idle mind is........................... ...the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ...........pollution.
15. Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ........... ...............not much
17. Two's company, three's ................. the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ...... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .......... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ....spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ............. get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ....... get out of the way.
25. Better late than.................................... pregnant
******
This man, Bonnie says, has a major problem:
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place
was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing
they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw
made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any
friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in
Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day
he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in
the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the
screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while
he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a
golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and
disappeared out of the window.
The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the
pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw
there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in seconds, his butt fell off. Oops!
******
...and Sami's story about an outhouse....
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country, where they had to use
an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and
cold in the winter, and it stank all the time. The outhouse sat on the bank
of a creek, and the boy was determined that one day he would push that
outhouse into the creek.
After a spring rain, the creek was swollen. The little boy decided today was
the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated
away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,
"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it
son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in
school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't
get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry
tree."
******
Sherill asks, "HEAVEN OR HELL?"
It comes to the end of Bill Gates long, successful life, he finds himself in the Purgatory waiting room when God enters....
"Well, Bill," says God, "I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell: you helped society enormously by putting a computer in
almost every home in the world, and yet you've also created some of the most unearthly frustrations known to mankind. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you choose where you want to go.
Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make your decision."
"Okay, where should I go first?" asks Bill.
God says, "That's up to you."
Bill says, "OK, let's try Hell first."
So Bill goes to Hell, It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There are thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the
water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right. The whole thing looks perfect, and Bill is very pleased.
"This is great!" he tells God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," says God, and off they go.
Heaven is a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It is very nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks
for a moment and announces his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he tells God.
"Fine," says God, "As you desire."
So Bill Gates is taken to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decides to check up on Bill to see how he's doing in Hell. When God arrives in Hell, he finds Bill shackled to a wall,
screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He's being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.
Bill replies, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, it's not what I expected at all, I can't believe it. What happened to
that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God smiles and says, "That was the screen saver."
******
Sherill L. reports that a British company has announced the development a computer chip which will store music in a woman's breast implants.
This is viewed as a major breakthrough as, up until now, women complained that men were staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
******
Joyce C. tells us about two little kids who are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I
was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whooooooaaaaaa, good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a whole year!!!!"
******
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