Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
A Real Canadian Joke
10 June, 2006
Steve C. offers what he calls a real Canadian Joke, politically correct of course.
A Somali arrives in Toronto. He is a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having me to such a beautiful country of Canada!"
The person says "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada,
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from the Middle East, I am not a Canadian.
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Jamaica!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"
The Jamaican lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says "Probably at work."
******
Sami says that she has a friend who is president of his homeowner's association in Washington state. They are having a terrible problem with trash on the side of the road around the association's homes.
The reason, according to her friend, is there are six new homes being built just next to them... big ones! He said the trash is coming from the work crews inhabiting the construction sites. (McDonald bags, Burger King trash, etc).
He has pleaded with the site supervisors and the general contractor to no avail, and even called the City, the County and the Police, but got no help. So... guess what some people in his community did? They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" to go out at lunch time to 'police' the trash themselves. But it is what they did while picking up the trash that is truly HILARIOUS!
They got some navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" put in gold letters on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to guess what they hoped people would think it meant.
Well, the day after their first pick-up detail, with them wearing the caps, and some also carrying cameras: 46 of the 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning... and haven't come back yet! It has now been ten days.
I understand the general contractor is mad, but he can't say anything publicly, since he could be busted for hiring "illegal aliens".
But there's no more trash... that's all the home owners really wanted in the beginning.
******
Murray K. of Montreal explains GOOD MEDICINE
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same problem. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever; the second is a Senior Citizen.
******
Joyce's friend tells us:
I love Mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Here, hold Chad (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
Love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard "Poupon."
******
Alan R. explains how your tax dollars are at work.
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of
a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they
created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two
people. One to write instructions, and one to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired
two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they
created the following positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer. They
then hired two more people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all these people?" So
they created an administrative section and hired three people: an
administrative officer, assistant administrative officer, and a legal secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year
and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
And that's how government works.
******
Jim W. wants to test you on your Bibliccal knowledge:
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the
apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden.
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Q. Why is it a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A. It's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
******
Real Signs On Church Property
** Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
** Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
** Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
** An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding
stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed & a headline that
reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
** When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with
red letters that said, "Open Sundays." The church reciprocated with its own
message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
** Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!
** A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a
church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the
outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
** People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know
how strong they are.
** God so loved the world that he did not send a committee.
** Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
** When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.
** Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
** Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.
** How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?
** Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
** Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay
is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
** It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
** Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
** Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire
insurance soon.
** Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
** Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
******
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