Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Mexican Telephone Company
2 June, 2006
Maryse, in France, tells us about:
Two Cajun commercial fishermen, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux
went out in the Gulf of Mexico fishing. They were gone
a couple of months.
On their return, they noticed a Taco Bell had been
built while they were away.
Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, "Look at dat,
we not gone no time and dem Mexicans done come over
here and built a telephone company!"
******
Sami says, " OK...I get it now...."
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your wife takes a long time, she's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your wife doesn't do it, she's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your wife makes a mistake, she's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your wife does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your wife does it, she's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your wife skips a few rules, she's being original.
When you're out of the house, you're wandering around.
When your wife is out of the office, she's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your wife is a day off sick, she must be very ill.
******
Steve C, tells us about a man and his wife who were celebrating 50 years together. Their three adult kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!" gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
"Not to worry," said the dad..."the important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad! I just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."
The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad....."And cheap ones too!"
******
Michel tells about "Circle Flies":
A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
******
Bunny tells us about a man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Hourly
Wage Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and
sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the
agent.
"Well" replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been
here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him
a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," Says the agent.
"That would be me," Replied the rancher.
******
Bunny tells how at an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.
When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
******
From Sami:
Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
******
Ann H. contributed this:
A Newfoundlander and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to
Jerusalem While they were there the Wife passed away. The
undertaker told the Husband. "You can have her shipped home
for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her
shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $150?
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead.... I just can't take that chance."
******
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