Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Right?
15 May, 2006
Sami discusses the Right To Write!
When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if
the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your
copy.
If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to
copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright
the right copy they write.
A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright
the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making
the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right
rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would
copy Wright's right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the
right to right.
Right?
******
She also reports:
One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an
interview with a black woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman
from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and
complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other
people, but we haven't gone to churches in years. We gets our chicken from
Popeye's."
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
******
Bonnie comes up with a scientific observation:
A physicist, a biologist and a chemist went to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he
wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked
into the ocean. He drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside
the ocean and walked into the ocean. He also drowned and never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the
observation, " Physicists and biologists are soluble in ocean water."
******
Jim W. tells about an old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship, holding
her hat tight so it wouldn't blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and
said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you
are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman
in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!"
******
Sami reports that she has seen these bumper stickers:
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
In theory, everything works.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Your lucky color has faded.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
******
...and Sami has been listening to children:
JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feed his new baby
sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two?
Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her granny how old she was. Granny
replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie
said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of
your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love
you so much that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside
my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She
tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her
frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and
she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the
little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes
my teeth cough."
D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How
much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young man and woman who were
hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes
off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her
mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his
mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know
what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my
wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read,
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out
of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to
salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for
a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your
face?"
******
Jim W. offers additions to our musical lexicon:
Adagio fromaggio:
to play in a slow and cheesy manner.
A la regretto:
tempo assigned to a performance by the conductor after it is panned by the
local music critics.
Al dente con tableau:
in opera, chew the scenery.
Allegro con brillo:
the fastest way to wash pots and pans.
AnDante:
a musical composition that is Infernally slow.
Angus Dei:
a divine, beefy tone.
Antiphonal:
referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall
A patella:
>unaccompanied knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura:
an ornament you regret after playing it.
Approximatura:
a series of notes played by a performer and not intended by the composer,
especially when disguised with an air of "I
meant to do that."
Approximento:
a musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct pitch.
Bar line:
what musicians form after a concert.
Basso continuo:
the act of game fishing after the legal season has ended.
Basso profundo:
an opera about deep sea fishing.
Cacophany:
composition incorporating many people with chest colds.
Concerto grosso:
a really BAD performance.
Coral Symphony:
(see: Beethoven -- Caribbean period).
D.C. al capone:
you betta go back to the beginning, capiche?
Dill piccolo:
a wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Diminuendo:
the process of quieting a rumor in the orchestra pit.
Eardrum:
a teeny, tiny tympani.
Fermantra:
a note that is held over and over and over and...
Fiddler crabs:
grumpy string players.
Flute flies:
gnat-like bugs that bother musicians playing out-of-doors.
Fog horn:
a brass instrument that plays when the conductor's intentions are not clear.
Frugalhorn:
a sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.
Gaul blatter:
a French horn player.
Grace note:
the I.O.U. you deposit in the church collection plate when you're out of cash.
Ground hog:
someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won't
let others play it.
Kvetchendo:
gradually getting ANNOYINGLY louder.
Opera buffa:
musical stage production at a nudists'camp.
Pastorale:
beverage to drink in the country when listening to Beethoven with
a member of the clergy.
Pipe smoker:
an extremely virtuosic organist.
Pizzacato:
the act of removing anchovies from an Italian dish with short,
quick motions and tossing them to a nearby awaiting feline friend.
Placebo Domingo:
faux tenor.
Rights of Strings:
manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.
Rubato:
cross between rhubarb and a tomato.
Schmaltzando:
a sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band.
Spritzicato:
plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually
accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).
Tempo tantrum:
what a young orchestra is having when it's not keeping time with the
conductor.
Toiletto:
the effect on the human voice of reverberation in small rooms with
ceramic tiles.
Trouble clef:
any clef one can't read, e.g., the alto clef for pianists.
Woodwind:
a noise in the game of golf, made by a club missing the ball on a tee shot.
******
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