Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
You Are What You Read
29 April, 2006
Jim W. says, "You are what you read:"
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3 The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country --if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who are running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, hat they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.
******
Sami tells about a stolen turkey:
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this
turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my
guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
Residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that
someone had stolen his turkey.
******
From: "MM"
Get the Crash Cart!
I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an
inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a
noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
******
Sami offers
TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the décor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
01. Nope, no more for me I'm driving.
******
Bunny has several stories to tell:
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not
present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a
"walk" and the students were free to leave, with no penalties for missing a
class.
The rooms were equipped with the type of wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each
minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of
the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that
if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock
to "jump" ahead one minute.
It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at
the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most
punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well
aimed erasers and 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into
the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have one hour to complete."
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room,
gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock
forward one hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.
******
...and these actual call center conversations:
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to
enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are the opening hours".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Electronics Company Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
******
Jim W. has found a list of New industry terms to enhance your career:
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve.
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career-limiting move. Used among microserfs to describe an
ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot
is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how
much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been
dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to
leave a company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
"Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no
matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions.
Used as in "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we
were in."
GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order
to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent
again.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyboards.
Ohnosecond - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube
farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the
walls to see what's going on.
Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed in the end.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh-ts over
everything and then leaves.
Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate
relationship, as in, "This is Dale, my...um...friend..."
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all
owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
******
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