Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
You Know You're from California If...
5 March, 2006
Joycie, so as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, says "you know you're from California if ....
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13 You can't remember...is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
******
Dan W. has these stories about the police in Western Canada:
GOOD:
An Alberta policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
lemonade!)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Edmonton AB. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with
another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan R.C.M.P.
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the R.C.M.P. Ball."
"He replied,
"Ma'am, Saskatchewan R.C.M.P. don't have balls."
There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and drove off. She was laughing
too hard to start her car.
******
Murray K. offers these wry observations:
If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic school children would be
wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
(Lenny Bruce)
I can still smell on your breath the other people's rules you
swallowed whole
so long ago. (Lee Lozano)
Si la théorie de Darwin était vraie, il y a longtemps que les
créationnistes auraient disparu. (Yvon Corbeil)
The most serious threat to democracy is the notion that it has already
been achieved. (unknown)
A Criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient
capital to form a corporation. (Clarence Darrow)
I've never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it
worse. (Brendan Behan)
It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established
authorities
are wrong. (Voltaire)
A patriot must be willing to defend his country from his government.
(Edward Abbey)
If the rich could hire someone else to die for them, the poor would
make a
wonderful living. (Jewish Proverb)
The most important things are not things. (unknown)
VENI, VIDI, VELCRO --I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Conformément aux normes environnementales, ce courriel est composé
d'électrons recyclés
******
Jim W. explains life:
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said:
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
*****
Jim R. explains that a
husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.
******
Sherill tells about a disaster:
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.
His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
******
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