Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
New Words
25 January, 2006
Ken M., some of these look vaguely familiar, but if so, they still deserve a repeat.
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2005 winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance you perform just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
******
Some of Bonnie's Sensible Observations we've seen before too:
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."----Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields
21) "Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself -- Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." Lillian Carter, Mother of Jimmy Carter
******
Sami announces these New Dog Cross Breeds
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso =
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamut + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by...
oh, well, it doesn`t matter anyway
Collie + Malamut =
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier =
Derrier, a dog that`s true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
Oh, never mind ...
******
Joycie relates that a man and his wife were sitting in the living room.
He turned and said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If
that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up from her chair, unplugged the TV, and threw out all of
his beer.
******
Judith R. tells about two old men who were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall when a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall, followed by loud applause.
The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for Dried Arrangement!"
******
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