Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Tool Definitions
19 January, 2006
At long last we finally have some accurate Tool Definitions, courtesy of Sami:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metalbar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flingsyour beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted partyou were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under theworkbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls andhard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holesuntil you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija boardprinciple: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal yourfuture becomes.
VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of yourhand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammableobjects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside awheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars andmotorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground afteryou have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmlyunder the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobileupward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.
TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulicfloor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool forspreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and isten times harder than any known drill bit.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensilestrength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool thatinexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end withoutthe handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which isnot otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its mainpurpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mmhowitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battleof the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-stylepaper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, asthe name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning powerplant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels byhose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracketyou needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days isused as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from theobject we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboardcartons delivered to your front door works particularly well on boxescontaining upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and theother hand not holding the knife.
******
Sami also tells about some students who were assigned to read 2 books,"Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gavehim an A+ for this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full! Of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
******
Sami also talks about Retirees
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses toretire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic orgarage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids willwant to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses thepeople he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What is a retirees definition of "Getting Lucky"?
Answer: Means they found their car in Walmart parking lot!
******
Bunny reminds us of a Great Quote by the Comedian Chris Rock:
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U. S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'
******
Sherill says, "You've got to love Saskatchewan..."
A guy from Regina passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
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How do you know when you're staying in a Moose Jaw hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
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How can you tell if a Saskatoon redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Kindersley to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Saskatchewan?
Documentaries.
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Where was the toothbrush invented?
Swift Current. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
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An RCMP officer pulls over a pickup on the Trans Canada and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
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Did you hear about the $3 million Saskatchewan Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
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The Premier's mansion in Regina burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too.
Both books -POOF- up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
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A new law was recently passed in Saskatchewan.
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
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A guy walks into a bar in Prince Albert and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Winnipeg".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Winnipeg?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,
"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
The man says," I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...
"It's okay boys, he's one of us!
******
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