Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
A Sermon Blooper
12 January, 2006
Bonnie tells us about a SERMON BLOOPER:
A large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers.
One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. But, it seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said, loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman, that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "And I can't remember who she was!"
******
Bunny's story was whispered to her in confidence.........
"Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.
One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.
'Mister,' he said, 'you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!'""
******
News from Bonnie:
No Nativity Scene in the Nation's Capital
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This is not for religious reasons; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
******
This must be Bonnie's husband telling us this:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me thatI should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take careof first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important tome.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived homeone day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with atiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and thenwent into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cuttingthe grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
******
Maryse tells us about Jack, who wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26 Hot Breakfast - $4.20 Red Rose bud -$3.00 Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
******
Nina S. offers these Irish stories:
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it.
At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - I just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"
******
Bunny says that this is a true story about what happened on an El Al Flight Landing in Tel-Aviv recently:
As the El Al plane landed at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the captain came on: "Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane comes to a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish to remind you that using cell phones on board this aircraft is strictly prohibited. To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay .. . . and to those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah, and welcome back home."
******
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